Matt and I went into our first ultrasound at 11 weeks and were actually sent across the street from my actual clinic to get it done. I had heard a heartbeat (singular) back at 9 weeks and so wasn't too nervous about there actually being something in there, but I think I was anxious beforehand because some part of me knew that there was going to be twins.
Hear me out. I'm not psychic.
If I have a spiritual gift, it is the gift of dreams. I am lucky enough to remember a lot of my dreams and the ones that I have that are relevant to a current situation I am in are actually useful in my life. Granted, when I had a dream that I had FIVE babies in my stomach I did not automatically believe I was carrying quintuplets, but my mind kind of started buzzing at the thought that maybe there was more than one.
Like I said, I had been able to hear a heartbeat at my 9 week (first) appointment and the midwife had been quite pleased with herself at finding it so early in my pregnancy; it can be hard that early sometimes. But after she had found the fast fluttering and then removed the Doppler from my stomach the first thought I had was, "Wait, what about the other one?"
...
What other one?! Honesty I might have just been high on crazy juice but that really was my first thought - what about the other heartbeat? Some part of me knew that if she had kept listening she would've heard the other baby's heartbeat. It's a memory that I plan to hold onto and it's kind of comforting to know that maybe I knew before modern medicine did 😉 Ha!
So at the ultrasound the tech was just asking bedside manner questions, making sure I didn't feel super uncomfortable as I unbuttoned my pants and pulled them dangerously low...heh. She then asked how I had been feeling. I have been sick since day 1 of week 6 and have only had maybe a handful of days free from puking my guts out. My record is 6 times in one day (which I know isn't quite as horrible as some women have it) but here at week 14 I'm quite ready for the supposed second trimester relief. So I told her I had been feeling really sick. She put the absurdly warm jelly on my stomach (definitely was expecting it to be cold) and then moved the wand around a bit.
I think both Matt and I could plainly tell before the tech said anything but neither of us wanted to say anything until she did. Her next words were, "So you've been super sick, huh?"
Double the hormones. Double the sickness. Double the blessings.
There are two squirmy aliens on the screen?! What?? How did this happen? I thought it was supposed to be hard to get pregnant; take months and months, maybe years! We got pregnant with two so quickly? Crap... Matt is probably having an aneurism - I should check on him. Oh - he's starring at me. What's that look? Is he stressed? Happy? I think he's happy, but his eyebrows are furrowed. Well of course they're furrowed! We did not plan for this, we plan for one at a time. Isn't that normal to do? Well he's smiling now. And laughing. We're both very nervously laughing. I think the only words coming out of my mouth are "oh my gosh" every couple seconds.
We left the ultrasound with a strip of pictures that are the only proof that what happened in that room was real, and trust me I spent the next couple weeks having to convince myself over and over again that it was real. Then I had a meltdown. My body began to slip out of shock and euphoria and into the reality of the situation. I was mentally prepared to devote the next few years of my life to one baby. I was going to bond with him or her breastfeeding, we were going to become best friends and have so many sleepless nights together that all this morning sickness would be a piece of cake! But all of expectations and visions of the future had now changed. I have two babies that will need my undivided attention now divided between the two of them. I had enough mental preparation for messing one kid up, but two at a time? That would be like failing twice as fast and twice as hard! At this point I wasn't even thinking about how much more different my pregnancy and labor was going to be, but my life post delivery. After bringing THEM home.
I had to have a little mourning period for the expectation I had had about my future and the one on one time I felt like I was losing. I will never just be a mom to one baby, I'm jumping feet first into the mom of multiples club. But I can't stress enough that this reaction was OK to have! I still struggle with people who tell me I am so lucky and how jealous they are that we are having twins. Sometimes I want to shake them and say "Do you understand the reality of what is going to happen? This is not going to be some fantasy or Mary-Kate and Ashley movie." This is going to be the HARDEST thing I have ever done. I am exceptionally blessed that both my parents and in-laws live so close... That is going to be an amazing help. But this post is for everyone out there who thinks I am the luckiest girl in the world so that they can understand a little bit when I don't scream and jump up and down in excitement with you when you extend your congratulations.
I love my babies. I do not regret any part of being pregnant with twins and would NEVER trade this for a singleton pregnancy. I am allowed to mourn the vision I had of what I thought would be a blissful raising of one child at a time and I am completely normal for doing so. Having twins is everyone's fantasy, but the responsibility that comes with the reality can be quite daunting.
What a way to start my blog huh? "Geez she seems like she can barely hold dinner for the missionaries and now she's having two babies?!"
Yeah I'm gonna need a lot of prayers. XO
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